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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sonichu Sub-Episode 5 Critical Review: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Drool Over My Sister

Didn't I Tell You It Gets Worse

Previously in Sonichu, Chris-Chan had defeated the B-Manajerk and Merried Seinor Comic who threatened to stop him from soliciting for sex at the " Mal-Wart " food court. However, he was confronted by the WM-Manajerk, a human head attached to a giant robot body*. Now, Chris-Chan is getting the crap beaten out of him by this new Manajerk. Fortunately, his gold-armored " Cherokian " ancestor appears in a vision, and tells Chris-Chan what he needs to do in order to summon his dream sibling....Crystal Weston Chandler.

Crystal is basically the female twin of Chris-Chan ( not Christian Weston Chandler, mind you, but his idealized avatar ). She wears a hedgehog medallion and a gaudy striped shirt, transforms into a Rosechu, and wields the same " Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha " black magic as her brother. Her personality is entirely supplimentary to Chris'; she assists him in defeating the WM-Manajerk, and lectures the defeated severed head on why her brother's Love Quest is noble, but doesn't show any outside independent thought. Chandler created Crystal as the exact kind of woman he wants, a servile distaff counterpart to himself. Yet he chose to make this woman a blood relative, the kind that he couldn't ethically touch ( even by his own flimsy moral code ).

So why would a man capable of creating the woman he wants to be his dream mate instead create a sister he can't touch? Well, Chandler wants someone who understands and approves of him and his plans. By creating a clone of himself, he's made sure that his ideal friend understands what it means to be him. And by making the clone female, her approval of his Love Quest is meant to carry more weight. Back in high school, Chandler had several " gal-pals "**, females who were friendly to him but not romantically linked. Perhaps making Crystal a sister is Chandler's way of ensuring that she stay as his friend, because even his libido wouldn't make him commit the incest taboo.

It may also be the case that Chandler doesn't want to get a girlfriend without having " earned " her through a Love Quest, which is why he can't get a girl even in his own fictional universe. This is possibly the only concession that can be offered to Chandler, that he isn't so absorbed in his fantasy world that he can invent himself a sweetheart. Then again, Chandler isn't above having his avatar get laid; in later chapters, he travels to the future and fucks his future self's wife, taking advantage of the mistaken identity.***

And the sad part is that at this point, Chandler at least approaches his Love Quest with honest ( if deluded ) conviction. But we're still seeing things like his ad for Axe Deodorant, where Rosechu tells Sonichu that she wants to " orbit your belt " because he uses the Orion scent. The pretense that there's anything noble about Sonichu gets flimsier and flimsier.

* Which appears copied from the Transformer Jazz. It's likely that Chandler owns that specific toy of the character, given everything else upon which he's blown Virginian taxpayer money. And yet he doesn't draw the body with any attempt at proportion or perspective, thus negating even the POINT of plagiarizing.
** Having mainly platonic female friends is commonly associated with gay men-- ironic considering Chandler's vicious homophobia.
*** I'm worried about how well my sanity will hold out until that review. :P


  1. Every time I think we've hit rock bottom, somebody throws us a shovel.

    Let's see here...

    -His avatar essentially rapes his wife by having sex with her under false pretenses.

    -He refuses to shower, instead thinking he can just spray himself with Axe, no doubt inspired by those commercials where girls mob guys who use it.

    -He spends taxpayer money on stupid toys when it's actually meant to help him make ends meet if he has trouble doing so on his own, and thereby giving ammunition to those who would want to abolish such payments.

    -He continually scares away his "gal pals" with his revolting body odor and crass sexual advances.

    -He frequently posts videos and pictures of himself in the nude or his underwear.

    -He draws his main hero's love interest as being ready to give him oral stimulation simply because of the body spray said hero wears.

    -He continues to sponge off his aging parents without even trying to look for a job.

    -He posts videos laying curses on his enemies and actually thinks they work.

    I wonder if anyone's ever looked at the Chandler family's genealogical records. I suspect that if anyone ever did, they'd find that the Chandlers' family tree is more of a family web.

    It would explain a lot, at least.

    1. It's more like a ball of wibbly-wobbly, family-wamily stuff. ;)

  2. inbred into insanity... perhaps

  3. " Family web " seems like it'd be the logical outcome. But oddly, the evidence shows that the Chandler family is actually pretty mixed, and Chris has several siblings and half-siblings who got the hell out of there and went on to live their own lives.

    And I would like to say that the raping his future wife thing was the worst thing to happen in Sonichu, but as you say, there is no bottom...